All of this.

June 7, 2008

Before all of this happened, the last thing I wrote in my journal was the following:

Today at church he talked about being restless in the midst of abundance…always trying to arrange things to make life easiest, happiest, least painful. I can confess that I do that all of the time. How can I make this jump easy? How can I guarantee that I won’t get bruised along the way? How can I assure that the end result will make me happy? The idea that striving for those things (happiness, serenity, contentment) can cause us anxiety and that [the idea of life without] those things makes us nervous. That anxiety will devour us. YIKES.

Paul reminded the Thessalonians that unexpected things happen though they (and we) are children of light. Ultimately it is about whose we are and finding rest in that.

Sigh.
If I have learned anything in the last few months it is that my own orchestration of the events in my life does not and will not truly bring me happiness. You might be thinking, gee thanks for that one Captain Obvious. But, for someone who consciously or not was trying to arrange things to make life easiest, happiest, and least painful, this is a major lesson to learn. For someone whose seemingly constant goal was to obtain those things that (I thought) were important to me, this unimaginable time in my life has taught me to loosen my grip a bit, to let things be a bit, and to enjoy the moment a little bit more.

Even through something so super-ridiculously crappy, through something I would have arranged and rearranged my life to avoid, I have learned more (and heard His voice so much more clearly) than any book or person could ever teach me. My life is better, richer, and deeper because of it. And, that it something I would never trade away.

XO, me

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